My Packet For The Onion

Every year, a few times a year, celebrated satirical magazine The Onion accepts headlines and articles from would-be writers. I did not get hired this winter; here is my packet:

Headlines:

New NFTs To Turn Into Dinosaurs When You Put Them Underwater

NRA Report Shows Most Film Set Shootings Caused By Disturbed, Alienated Alec Baldwins

Nation’s Racists Practice Mispronouncing Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Name

Kamala Harris To Be First Female Vice President To Do Nothing During World War