Headlines and Articles Rejected From The Onion, 2024

Every year or so, America’s premiere humor newspaper, The Onion, takes submissions for new writers. It usually requires a few article headline pitches and a couple written out articles. Here are mine, enjoy!

1. Confused Joe Biden Vows To Not Drop Out Of WNBA Draft
2. Legislation Ban Imports From Overseas Sweatshops Using Child Labor; Return Manufacturing to American Child Laborers
3. AI Art Generation Program No Longer Profitable; Takes Barista Job To Make Rent
4. Bill To Allow Abortions In Cases Where Baby Would Have Been Antichrist
5. Artificial Intelligence Achieves Sentience, But Not Awareness Of How Its Drinking Affects Others
6. Lizard People Controlling American Politics Getting Real Sloppy Lately

7. Warren Buffett Attributes Success To Drawing Squiggly Lines On The Stock Market While Everyone Is Sleeping

8. Scientists Declare Global Warming Part of Natural Cycle of Humans Causing Their Own Extinction And Re-evolving

9. Maverick! This Underachiever Wakes Up At 4 am, Takes Cold Showers, Ain’t Invented Shit

10. Diabetic Prays This Is The Insulin Package That Holds The Golden Ticket To Tour The Insulin Factory